"Be Ye Therefore Perfect [Not Perfectionistic]"

As I was doing some research for a project in my New Testament class, I came across an article that talks about perfectionism. It reminded me of the battle I have had throughout my life.


I used to struggle immensely with perfectionism. I used to think my imperfections were sins and that I was required to become perfect simply by trying harder. Christ was there to help me, but he needed me to do all the work.


I definitely tried to be perfect for others and not for Heavenly Father. I tried to be perfect for my teachers and for my mission president. I wanted them to think I was intelligent and capable. I failed to realize that falling short is inevitable and that it is part of living in a fallen world.


I strived so hard on my mission to please my mission president; so much so that I sometimes lost sight of why I was really doing the missionary work. I lost the love part and just did things out of fear that I would never measure up.


I remember that one of my companions reminded me that I was serving my mission for God and not for my mission President. This really stuck in my mind. I remembered what this companion said, but I still often had trouble getting to the point where I did the right things for the right reasons.


It seemed that at the end of my mission when I broke away from the numbers, I was finally able to freely love and truly share the Spirit of God with others. When I taught with love and the spirit, they received in the same way. Whether they chose to repent or not, I could tell that the message was reaching them in a different way. I could tell that they felt something.


Heavenly Father taught me a great lesson when he sent me to a mental hospital and blessed me with a mental illness. It was at this point when I realized that I relied fully on him. It was a comforting realization and humbling as well. I realized that I needed to stop trying so hard to be perfect and start trying harder to love others. I needed to be less focused on accomplishments and more focused on relationships.


Being in a mentally ill state was bewildering and confusing. I didn't understand what was real and what wasn't. I needed my Heavenly Father to help me come to terms with reality. I prayed harder than I ever have and literally cried to my Father in Heaven for strength and understanding. Little by little, as I listened to the doctors and with many prayers on my behalf, I began to get better. As I reached out in love to other patients, I found my own worries, doubts and confusion vanishing away. I came to understand in a very literal sense the scripture that talks about losing yourself to find yourself.


In a certain sense, I "lost it" and that was what truly needed to happen for me to find myself. Up to that point in my life, I had been uncertain about who I really was. I lacked self-confidence. I was a perfectionist. My mental illness humbled me and reminded me that I need to constantly rely on the Lord. As I have tried less to be perfect and more to be humble and prayerful I have found true happiness. As I pray for help with my weaknesses I feel lifted up. As I pray for help to lift others, the opportunities present themselves and when I act on those opportunities, I find out even more about myself.


A few weeks ago in a CES devotional, Elder Christofferson said that as we lose ourselves in the service of others we will find more of ourselves because there is more substance to us.


I'm not perfect by any means. But I feel fresh. I feel like I have a new outlook on life. Heavenly Father brought me low so he could teach me to rely on the atonement of Jesus Christ. As I have relied on that and let the love of God and Jesus Christ flow into my life I have caught a breath of fresh air. Life is happy. Much of the burdens and guilt we feel in life our of our own making. We can chose to be happy. Clinical depression is real. Mental illness is a real thing, but Christ can help us through it. He has provided medicine and inspired doctors to help us, but we must never forget that he is the "great healer" and "physician." He DOES know how to succor us. We must believe that he does.


I know Jesus Christ lives and that his atonement is real because I have felt its power in my life. I know that perfection is a process and that we will mess up. Our Heavenly Father knew we would mess up and that is why he provided a Savior for us. We should never belittle ourselves or feel we are incompetent or inadequate. Christ would never do that to us. Why should we do it to ourselves?


If you are struggling with perfectionism, know that Heavenly Father loves you. You often hold yourself to a higher standard than he does. He knew you wouldn't be perfect. That is why he provided a Savior. Remember, he atoned for YOU. He loves you and as you love others unconditionally that love will flow evermore plentifully into your life. I know it is true. It has for me.