There are some days when we're just not feeling it. Sometimes we feel that all the cute churchy answers are nice on the outside but that they're really not going to make anything better. Sometimes it feels like wishful thinking. It seems weak.
At times I just want to rest in God's love. I just want to feel my Savior next to me. Sometimes I feel him there. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes there's a lot of negativity towards and around the church. And sometimes I can see why. I do see some things that are troubling.
What I always hang on to is my personal relationship with Jesus Christ and the gift of the Holy Ghost I've been given. I know that sounds cheesy to some. They don't think it's a real thing. But I have felt peace so many times through the Holy Ghost. I've felt him tell me that Jesus says, "It's all gonna be ok. Just trust. Be patient. Ponder. Let go. Know that I've already paid the price. You don't need to prove anything to me other than that you love me and that you're trying. Just be kind to others. Love them. Do the simple things that help you feel light and pure and that allow me to pour my love into your heart."
The beautiful reality is that we really do believe that basically all people are saved. Yeah, there's the kingdoms of glory thing, but even the lowest kingdom of glory is better than the world we live in now. It's so freeing to think that this is the case. I think sometimes we get so caught up in trying to live some rigid, slog-it-out Celestial way of life that we forget the fundamentals of just being a good person. Being loving and kind. Being there for others. Not obsessing over checking the boxes or being perfectly righteous. We can live. And we can live knowing that every single day we're gonna come up woefully short. That's ok. It's just relying on Christ to change our natures and pleading with him to perfect us that is going to refine us and bring us closer to him. It's relaxing into his love. It's letting go and accepting him. It's what faith is all about. Gratitude. Humility. Progression is personal.
We have all kinds of people telling us how our relationship with Christ should be. Even in the church we are given a very specific path of what will tie us to Christ. But if we focus on the nuts and bolts too much and don't really FEEL it, then we can get stuck. Maybe sometimes we look beyond the mark. We forget how personally Jesus knows us and that even though there's a very defined, specific, uniform path for us to connect with him, once we are connected with him, the connection is much more nuanced and personal. He knows our heart. He knows our struggles. He wants us to chill out and know he's got things taken care of. He wants us to live our lives and have joy. He doesn't want us to be bound to things that just feel like a duty and a drudgery. Sometimes it can feel like the church is that way. Like you're never doing enough. Like you should always be looking inward and asking "what lack I yet." I think that this mentality can rob us of the joy of the moment. We are that we might have joy. That we might rejoice in Christ and that he has already suffered for all our sins. He's already triumphed. Discipleship isn't meant to be miserable. And we're not meant to in the word of President Hinckley go through life like we are sucking on a pickle.
What's the point of life if you can't enjoy it. Yeah, being a disciple requires some constraint. But I don't think it's meant to be arduous and sucky. It's supposed to bring joy. Maybe there's a right way to do it. I know it's not about just selecting the gospel things that make you happy and discarding the rest, but I do think it's a mindset thing. I think it's about straying more to the side of love and less to the side of exactly keeping every single small thing that God has given you to do.
It's sometimes hard to just relax into God's love and feel that peace. The perfectionistic tendencies within me sometimes drive me mad and get me down thinking I'll never measure up. Even if I do one thing right, there's always something else I could be doing better. That's not a healthy way to live or think.
I am enough. I am a child of God. I've already been saved. I do care about other people. I do think about them and pray for them. I do want to be filled with Christ's love. I do want to just feel accepted by him. I want to surrender and let go of my obsession with perfection. Jesus is the only perfect one. He's got that taken care of. I just gotta let him give me a piggyback ride.
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