Mental illness, depression especially, is like Devil's snare. The more you fight it, the harder it squeezes. Sometimes you have to let it pass, as painful as it is, without fighting it. For when you fight, it becomes even harder to get out.
But, don't we always want to fight? If we are diagnosed with cancer, are we just going to curl up in a ball and give in? No. But, we are going to come to terms with the illness and its ramifications. We are not going to fight the fact that we HAVE cancer.
Anyway, I may not be making any sense, but what I know is that I had a manic episode. I had several bouts with depression. I've felt hopelessly confused and trapped in my own life at times, and now I don't. Why? I'm not one hundred percent sure.
Here are some things I DO know.
1. Through all those lonely, confusing, mind bending times, I never stopped praying and reading the scriptures.There were times when the more I read, the guiltier I felt. I realized how much I had been commanded to do and how truly inadequate I was. I felt even worse about myself, but I kept studying. Like Nephi, I felt like a wretched man, but I knew in whom I had trusted (2 Nephi 4:19)
2. Jesus Christ is my Savior. He understands me perfectly even when I don't perfectly understand myself. That's right. There were times when I didn't even understand myself. I didn't know exactly what I was thinking or why I was thinking the way I was, but I knew I was, I existed. That's all I knew. It seemed my Savior was nowhere in sight. There was a thick fog over my mind. I felt I was doing all the right things, but he just wasn't there.
3. Depression, anxiety, mental illness in all its forms is called illness because that is exactly what it is. It can happen upon is even when we aren't looking for it. Some people get the common cold variety, but others get hit with the deadly influenza. Why? I don't know. I may not know until the next life. Why do bad and hard things happen to good people? Because mortality sucks sometimes and that is what we signed up for.
4. It's OK to wait. It's OK to not even try to fight depression. It's OK to think for myself. Even though it says that all our thoughts will condemn us, thoughts are not always sins. Remember that as much as we want God's thoughts to be our thoughts, they aren't. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are his thoughts higher than our thoughts and his ways higher than our ways. That's a tough and sad thing to realize. So are you saying that we can't be perfect no matter how badly we want it? Yes!
But wait, that's why we have a Savior. He is there to save us from the fall. We aren't responsible for all the effects of the fall. Those effects can be a clouded mind, a difficult illness or challenge, or a disability.
I am so glad that I know that Jesus Christ lives and loves me and understands me. I can't see him, but I can feel his power buoying me up. I can wholeheartedly say that there were times when I didn't feel buoyed up at all. Times when I just plain and simple suffered. But somehow, some way, I feel his love now. I don't know if I would feel it so deeply had I not suffered the mental health challenges that I did.
I don't know what the next challenge will be, but I know that it will probably be gut wrenchingly difficult. The atonement was that way. Christ is there. He will help me. He will help you.
So please, if you are hurting, don't blame yourself. We live in a fallen world. We will feel alone at times. Why? So we can come to appreciate what our Savior did for us. He lives. He lets us hurt so we can grow. How can we ever be sculpted into Gods without going through the crucible?
If you want a good talk to ponder, look at Elder Holland's "Like a Broken Vessel." It helped me understand that I was not responsible for the way I was feeling and that there is no shame in waiting and resting.
But, don't we always want to fight? If we are diagnosed with cancer, are we just going to curl up in a ball and give in? No. But, we are going to come to terms with the illness and its ramifications. We are not going to fight the fact that we HAVE cancer.
Anyway, I may not be making any sense, but what I know is that I had a manic episode. I had several bouts with depression. I've felt hopelessly confused and trapped in my own life at times, and now I don't. Why? I'm not one hundred percent sure.
Here are some things I DO know.
1. Through all those lonely, confusing, mind bending times, I never stopped praying and reading the scriptures.There were times when the more I read, the guiltier I felt. I realized how much I had been commanded to do and how truly inadequate I was. I felt even worse about myself, but I kept studying. Like Nephi, I felt like a wretched man, but I knew in whom I had trusted (2 Nephi 4:19)
2. Jesus Christ is my Savior. He understands me perfectly even when I don't perfectly understand myself. That's right. There were times when I didn't even understand myself. I didn't know exactly what I was thinking or why I was thinking the way I was, but I knew I was, I existed. That's all I knew. It seemed my Savior was nowhere in sight. There was a thick fog over my mind. I felt I was doing all the right things, but he just wasn't there.
3. Depression, anxiety, mental illness in all its forms is called illness because that is exactly what it is. It can happen upon is even when we aren't looking for it. Some people get the common cold variety, but others get hit with the deadly influenza. Why? I don't know. I may not know until the next life. Why do bad and hard things happen to good people? Because mortality sucks sometimes and that is what we signed up for.
4. It's OK to wait. It's OK to not even try to fight depression. It's OK to think for myself. Even though it says that all our thoughts will condemn us, thoughts are not always sins. Remember that as much as we want God's thoughts to be our thoughts, they aren't. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are his thoughts higher than our thoughts and his ways higher than our ways. That's a tough and sad thing to realize. So are you saying that we can't be perfect no matter how badly we want it? Yes!
But wait, that's why we have a Savior. He is there to save us from the fall. We aren't responsible for all the effects of the fall. Those effects can be a clouded mind, a difficult illness or challenge, or a disability.
I am so glad that I know that Jesus Christ lives and loves me and understands me. I can't see him, but I can feel his power buoying me up. I can wholeheartedly say that there were times when I didn't feel buoyed up at all. Times when I just plain and simple suffered. But somehow, some way, I feel his love now. I don't know if I would feel it so deeply had I not suffered the mental health challenges that I did.
I don't know what the next challenge will be, but I know that it will probably be gut wrenchingly difficult. The atonement was that way. Christ is there. He will help me. He will help you.
So please, if you are hurting, don't blame yourself. We live in a fallen world. We will feel alone at times. Why? So we can come to appreciate what our Savior did for us. He lives. He lets us hurt so we can grow. How can we ever be sculpted into Gods without going through the crucible?
If you want a good talk to ponder, look at Elder Holland's "Like a Broken Vessel." It helped me understand that I was not responsible for the way I was feeling and that there is no shame in waiting and resting.
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